WOMAN/ man
*
B E W A R E
Pickpockets
and
Loose Women
Poster from
New Orleans Police Dept.
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CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
BECAUSE-----------
1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't matter
4. Cucumbers don't get *TOO* excited
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick
7. You can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it.
8. A cucumber doesn't care if you are a virgin
9. Cucumbers won't ask: am I the BEST? How was it?
10. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
11. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
12. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
13. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
14. You always know where your cucumber has been.
15. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
16. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
17. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.!
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POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IN THE 90'S
How to NOT get in trouble
Please have the following INJECTION CERTIFICATE notarized (Male version in the future)
This is to certify that I, ______________________________,
the undersigned, being a female about to enjoy sexual relations with
Mr. ________________________________,
am above the legal consent, in my right mind, and in possession of a sound body
certify
the following, to wit:
1. I am not under the influence of any
narcotics, liquor, or other substance that might impair my senses during the
act of coitus.
2. The gentleman in question will not have
to use force, threats or promises of any kind to induce me, as I will
assume all the
necessary positions with a clear mind
and of my own free will.
3. I don't give a damn about his marital status; I will capitulate.
4. I have no fear of him and will not
bite, kick, fight, scratch or use any other force to ward
him off (unless, of course, he desires it).
5. I am not asleep or drunk and am
entering into this act, because I love it as much as he does --- or will.
6. I assume all responsibilities for
damage to any bed sheets, torn pillow cases, broken bed springs, and any other
articles
that may become damaged as the
result of pleasurable use.
7. I will not cry, grunt, or scream so
loud that everyone in the neighborhood will hear me.
8. I expect during intercourse to be
bounced around, that is to receive all that is coming to me; to stand or lie in
any position that
he may deem necessary for the
betterment of the sexual connection; to sit, squeeze, pull, tighten, or loosen any thing he determines
to be important and beneficial
to a better relationship with him.
9. I will never, under any circumstances
appear as a witness against him or prosecute him in any way as the result of
the culmination
of this sexual intercourse.
Signed before going to bed
this ________ day, _______________ 19______.
NAME: _______________________________ Address
_____________________________________ Phone # _________________
Personally appeared before me
_________________________________who swears and affirms that the above is her
signature,
given this day freely and without
purpose of evasion or mental reservation.
Notary seal and date:____________________
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50 facts
about Men ----- by Rita Rudner
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will
cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are
better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you
buy your husband or boyfriend a camera, lock the door when you go to the
bathroom. Most of my husband's
early films end
with a scream and a flush.
4. Be
careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
cancels out the nice of "bald".
5. Marrying a divorced man is
ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it
pays to
recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My
husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks
that
if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the
players from our living room, and if
they're really in
trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's
attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of
buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read
the newspaper in the morning. Not being first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black
socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself
in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do
anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often
wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash
curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at
the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple
functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and
piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We
need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the
heart of even
General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange
ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it
personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to
war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they are nice
guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God
just might be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying
bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types:
nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body
temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in the winter, I recommend
sleeping
next to a man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more
seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh,
my
God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out
of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's
why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store,
two inches from
the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you
and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you
think might be "Mr. Right," if he --a) got older, --b) got a new job,
or -- c) visited
a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory
only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every
year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players
shorts get baggier
and longer.
29. No man is charming all the time.
Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get
together they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get
together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial
has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than
women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective:
"Am I in love, Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men
are
outrospective: "Did
my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a
man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget ... he
didn't lose your number ... he didn't die.
He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my
husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He
said,
"Yes,
but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they
want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without
hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never
want to see you again"
might sound like
a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you ... I want to marry you ...
I want to have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much
better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:
"Thanks."
On the other side: "Ruth, you
look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the
lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men
rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical
music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski
suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to a bathroom when she
is wearing a
jump suit.
43. Men do not feel the urge to get married
as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and
zip in the back. We need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because
they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have
bad self images because they
grow up
identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing
from her closet that feels tight, she will assume that she has gained weight.
When
a man tries
something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has
shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun
than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot
flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women
remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant
replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better
if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like
to own a train set.
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Subject: Wife 1.0 Upgrade
(Editor's
note: The following is applicable for Husband and/or Boyfriend (stud) for
version 1. plus.)
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
New Features
Some of the features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
----- A "Don't remind me again" button
----- A Minimize button
----- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
----- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
******* BUG
WARNING*******
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
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The Rules
The Female
ALWAYS Makes The Rules
The Rules
are Subject to Change at any Time without prior
Notification
No Male
can possibly Know all the Rules
It the Female
suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must
Immediately
change SOME or ALL of the Rules
The Female
is NEVER wrong
If the Female
is Wrong, it is because of a FLAGRANT MISUNDERSTANDING
which is the Direct
Result of something the male did or said wrong.
If Rule 6
applies, the Male must apologize Immediately for causing the
MISUNDERSTANDING
The Female
can change her mind at any given point in time.
The Male
must NEVER change his mind without
Express
written consent from the Female
The Female
has every right to be Angry or Upset at
any time
The Male
must remain Calm at ALL Times, unless the Female
wants him to be
ANGRY or UPSET
The Female
must Under NO Circumstances let the Male know
whether or not she
wants him to be angry or upset.
Any Attempt
to Document these Rules could result in Bodily Harm
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On Choosing A Mistress --- 1745 --
by Benjamin Franklin
My dear Friend,
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the complete human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.
But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox and demand my Reasons. They are these:
1. Because they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stored with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, then supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus; they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman,
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are gray, the Pleasure or corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
8th and Lastly. They are so grateful!
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MEN ------------------by Asa Baber, from Playboy Magazine
Most of the women I know can vividly remember moments when they felt picked on or threatened by anonymous men in public places. And that aspect of female life makes existence more difficult for all of us today, male and female.
The tales these women tell are not vague or feeble fiction: They can give you the exact times, dates and locations of various incidents, as well as complete descriptions of what happened to them, what was said, that they did.
As you listen to them talk, you can feel their anger and their fear, and you have to recognize the gravity of their charges. You know that in certain respects, these women have been unnerved, and that their fears will not disappear simply because you wish they would.
I am not saying that all female fears of men are justified, or that men are dangerous by definition. Nor am I claiming that men run no risks of their own on the street. But I take seriously the stories of intimidation and anxiety that I hear from women. And I am convinced that there are things we can do as men to become more helpful and protective of the women in our lives.
It's undeniable that a small minority of violent and uncontrolled men have engaged in despicable conduct toward some of the women they encounter, and that such conduct has scarred those women and darkened the image of all men in this culture. Our image, of course, has not been helped by the incessant media focus on violent men; biased and loaded media coverage increases women's fear of men.
Whether valid or not, whether fair or not, there are times when a man's mere presence can cause a woman consternation. Allow me to ask you two basic questions:
1) Have you done your job as a man by changing your public behavior so that women feel less threatened by you?
2) Have you been mentally lazy when it comes to this subject, and have you simply forgotten to look at life from the female side of the street?
To be male is a different experience from being female. No matter how we might try to argue about it, our experience walking down a street is not the equivalent of the female experience.
So what I want to share with you here is my code of conduct in this area. I ask you to think about it. Because I know that men can do better than we have been doing. We can be less careless and more supportive of women in general as they function in public, as they join the American work force in increasing numbers and as they commute to and from their homes and their jobs.
Here are some of my rules:
There is safety in space, so on the street, give women space. If I am walking behind a woman on a lightly populated street, I will either pass by her quickly or stay a decent interval behind her. If the street is empty, I will often cross to the other side to give her a stronger sense of space and safety. Even in crowds, I avoid walking closely beside a woman for long. And in what may seem like an exaggerated sense of concern to some of you, I admit that I give women space in elevators, hallways, subway stops, hotel lobbies, restaurants and office buildings.
On some occasions, there is safety in closeness. Yes, I know I am contradicting the first rule in my code of conduct. But this is the real world, where nothing is simple. There are times when, if it looks like someone is about to hassle a woman in a public place, your presence can make a difference - and you don't necessarily have to say a thing. By standing closer to her than you normally would, you are indicating that she is not alone and that you might defend her, which can defuse a situation before it gets out of hand. It is a courteous, chivalric thing to do.
See yourself through her eyes. What do you look like to her? For example, to see myself through a woman's eyes, I first have to remind myself that I rarely appear as a well-dressed and affluent man. It is not my style. And for better or worse, most women in a big-city environment tend to trust the well-dressed man more than the unconventionally attired one. So when I wear casual clothes. The price I pay for that on Chicago's Michigan Avenue is that I look different from the average executive, and looking different can threaten some people. My appearance may not seem to be that of a safe or predictable man. So that is even more reason for me to be careful and to make no false assumptions about how I might be perceived.
Unless a woman gives you a clear signal that she wants to talk to you, the street is not the place to introduce yourself. Nothing irritates me more than to see some supposedly slick-talking guy trying to hustle a woman who does not want to be hustled. These days, the goal of most women on the street is to get from one place to another with safety and efficiency. They are not cruising for dates or asking for attention or on the street to flirt. So unless I've been spoken to first in a public venue, I do not talk to women I have never met. Sure, I am attracted to many women and sometimes have the illusion that I could be a friendly guy with an ability to break the ice. But so what? I know that those passing moments of self-inflation are precisely the moments when I have forgotten my job as a man on the street today.
My job and your job, I should say. Which is to wish all women the ultimate in health and safety, and to do what we can to help them lead productive and unmolested lives.
It is not too much to ask of ourselves. And if we take this code of conduct seriously, as we should, it will be well worth all our effort. Because it will help us build a much-needed bridge across that sometimes forbidding canyon we call the gender gap.
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Peter DeVries: The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
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The value of affection goes up when it is in short supply.
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The degree of love that a man feels for a woman is in direct proportion to his testosterone level. .......Kitten, 10/94
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You should always live your life with your spouse so that just before you die you can look at him/her and say, "Here's looking at you, kid. I'll see you in our next life," and he/her will reply, "I hope so!", instead of, "Not if I see you first.!"...... Kitten 8/29/94
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Any truth to the old notion that primitive man tossed his chosen woman over his shoulder and hauled her off to his cave? Scholars now say it was her cave, and when he showed up, he only stayed until she said get out.
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Heard somewhere: When a man is born with superior genes the last challenge he should have to face involving a toilet is learning to use one.
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Can the Declaration of Independence be valid if no woman signed it?
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Wherever in the history of civilization , woman has ceased to be an economic asset in marriage, marriage has decayed; and sometimes civilization has decayed with it...... Will Durant
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As women we must learn that there is a difference between being different and being equal. .....Kitten 7/84
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Edna Farber, in a "Kind of Magic": Women are women and men are men and vive la difference! But for me there is no greater bore than a one-hundred percent male or female. Confronted by a massive two-fisted, barrel-chested he-man, or a fluttering itsy-bitsy, all tendril female, I run from their irksome company. The men and women I prize are a happy blend of male and female characteristics. A man who is masculine with a definitely female streak of perception, intuition and tenderness is a whole man; he is an interesting man, a gay companion, a complete lover. A woman who possesses a sufficient strain of masculinity to make her thoughtful, decisive, worldly in the best meaning of the word; vain, self reliant, companionable -- this is the whole woman. The feminine in the man is the sugar in the whiskey. The masculine in the woman is the yeast in the bread. Without these ingredients the result is flat, without tang or flavor.
And from Kitten comes this comment: AMEN to that!!!
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